I’ve been officially unemployed now since early February – about 7 months. If you’re wondering why I’ve been unemployed so long – check out this post.

I know it’s now time to start looking for a job again but my brain is spinning in circles thinking about I want to do, so I thought I should try to write my thoughts down in the hopes it will clear my brain and maybe give me some clarity.

In the last 10 years I’ve progressed in my career beginning as an “accounting administrator” for a mid-sized corporation while working on my Bachelors Degree to “Financial Controller” with a rapidly growing start-up in LA, holding a BBA and CPA designation.

This summer I had the opportunity to do some contract work related to my field, but on the academic side. I LOVED it. Unfortunately it’s not possible to do this work year-round but there are other similar opportunities that could come up – but they haven’t yet.

I actually held off on job hunting because I had this contractor opportunity that I knew would take about 6 weeks of my time – that I would enjoy – and that I could make some decent $$ from.

So now that work has come and gone, which I guess means I need to look for a job.

The problem is, when I look for positions similar to what I’ve had in the past, and that I’m qualified for, I feel a little bit of dread. I haven’t particularly liked any of the last few jobs I’ve held. I’m feeling a pull to be involved in academics instead, and maybe start a business doing something else that I’ll touch on below.

I want to understand what it is I’m really dreading about going back to my old type of work, and what it is that’s holding me back from pursuing what actually fills me with life.

To be clear, I didn’t hate my most recent job as a Financial Controller. I left because I thought I would spend 6-8 months traveling and felt it was time to return to Canada with my husband. If it wasn’t for that plan, I am fairly certain I would still be there. There were things I disliked, but no job is perfect. I had a boss I respected and enjoyed being around. While I worked with people that drove me nuts, I was also surrounded by fun, hard-working, intelligent people I genuinely enjoyed seeing each day. My boss was the type who didn’t care what hours I put in as long as the work was done, he didn’t even care if I was in the office. I still went to the office 3-4 days a week, usually 4. Having the freedom to work from home whenever I wanted or needed to was really valuable to me. He respected my opinions and suggestions and would have my back. Oh and there was the 5 minute commute.

So what did I NOT like about my past positions:

– Assholes. I’ve worked with a couple of real assholes. Unfortunately one of the jobs I enjoyed the most was ruined for me because of the complete jerk I reported to. I loved the actual work I was doing. I loved my responsibility, but he made me cry and feel like shit about myself on numerous occasions. The turnover at that company was outrageously high and after 15 months I threw in the towel too.

– 9-5. The expectation to stay at your desk until a certain time each evening, even though the night before you may have stayed late to finish a deadline, or you came in hours before the rest of the office each morning. I actually had one job where I didn’t have enough work to fill a day. I’d guess I probably had 1-3 hours of work each day. I think my boss knew, but she didn’t seem to care. But everyone sat in their chairs for the 8.5 hours that was expected of them. Each day I felt like I was in elementary school waiting for the bell to dismiss me, slowly losing brain cells.

– Not being able to disconnect. I think this perhaps depends on your position and the company you work for. The last couple of jobs I haven’t been able to fully disconnect. At my last job I was lucky to have a boss who was very encouraging of vacation and taking time off but as it was a small hectic start-up so I still felt a responsibility to check in to make sure there were no fires that needed to be put out. The job before that I was essentially on call 24/7 and my boss had no shame reaching out to me for unimportant requests on weekends or even while on vacation trying to enjoy my own bachelorette party. Work is not everything to me. I value my life outside of work and my family and friends more than work. I will never prioritize work over family. Ever.

– Not caring about the company you work for. I have never worked for a company I care about. I’ve never experienced working for a product or service that I feel really passionate about.

– People. OK, I actually do really like people. I’ve made friends I’m still in touch with at every job I’ve worked. I care deeply about those people. However I also dislike a lot of people and I have a real tolerance issue with people I don’t consider competent to do their job. It drains me and sucks the life out of me.

– Career-itis. Mr. Money Mustache says it best: “It becomes very easy to justify career-itis as a noble and selfless thing, rather than the lame indulgence it really is” (this is one of my favorite Mustache posts and I probably re-read it once a month). I just don’t value work like others do. When I was younger I had a goal to become a CFO of some corporation, any corporation. I guess I thought that would mean I’d really made it. However as I began working closer with those holding those positions, it became less and less appealing to me. I don’t want to work 60-80 hours a week just for the title and the paycheck. I’d prefer to spend my life with family and friends and travel and find a job that allows me to do that. I’m a very good employee. I get my work done quickly, and I do it well – but I have no interest in trading my soul or free time to climb the career ladder.

What DID I like?

– Stability. I liked knowing I was making money and how much and when. If it wasn’t for all of the jobs I’ve worked (and my husband worked), we wouldn’t have been able to afford to pay for our own wedding, honeymoon in Dubai, take trips to Singapore, Mexico and South America and of course take the last 7 months off of work to travel not work.

– Friendships. I met my husband at work!

– Problem Solving. This is the part of my job I probably enjoy the most. I am a numbers person and I have extreme attention to detail. I am very good with numbers and I enjoy finding errors, nuances etc and providing feedback.

– Status. At the time anyways. Honestly, I liked telling people I was currently employed as a Financial Controller for an LA start-up bla bla barf. Now I don’t give a shit. Don’t get me wrong, a part of me is still proud of myself for getting to that point. But I don’t really care any more. When I hear people tell me their big titles I now think to myself OK cool, you’re working long hours, hoping you’ll be rewarded with a raise, rarely see your friends or family, probably don’t get home for dinner, but thank god you have that fancy title…

What do I want now?

Money. I would like a paycheque again. A decent one.

Structure. I need structure to my days again. But not too much structure – see next point.

Freedom. I’d love to have the type of job where I’m not locked to my chair for the minimum 8 hours per day. If I finish work early one day, I want the freedom to go for a walk, run some errands.

What Do I Love To Do?

I love numbers, I don’t love accounting. I love personal budgeting, obviously. I would actually love to be some sort of Financial Wellness coach. I would love to help people in a consulting capacity set up budgets, learn how to track their spending.

I love mentoring. I think this is why I love the academic side so much. I genuinely love providing feedback to students and trying to figure out how I can help them improve. I’ve always had a soft spot for those earlier than me in their career – wanting to help them make good decisions and guide them in the right direction.

You always hear that we should be following our passions… and if we love what we do we’ll never a work a day in our lives. The problem is I don’t know how long it would take to turn these passions of mine into a career. At 34 years old, I don’t want to be wondering when my next paycheck is coming. I want to be building wealth, without being miserable.

Do I look for a full-time job doing what I’ve always been doing?
Do I take time to actively and passionately pursue other positions in education or financial coaching?
Do I compromise and hope for a remote job so that I have extra time to pursue passions on the side?