Today is Monday. I was laid off on Thursday morning. I have never been laid off before. What a way to start the year. The company I was working for had not been doing well financially so I was definitely concerned about my position and had started applying for jobs prior to the holidays. There was a round of layoffs 2 months ago but our department is so small that I thought we might all just go down with the ship.

However, when we all returned from the holiday break my boss was being extra quiet with my coworker and I, and there was a suspiciously scheduled meeting for first thing Thursday morning. By Wednesday at noon it was clear what was happening as we saw some other things going on.

I told my husband that I will likely go through a roller coaster of emotions over the next few days or weeks and it’s only been 4 days and that’s just what has happened.

Even though the writing was on the wall for the last couple of months, I was still in shock and disbelief starting on Wednesday. While it was pretty clear my coworker and I were being laid off (as well as a number of others), we still had a sliver of hope that our scheduled meetings would be to discuss salary reductions instead. I also thought that maybe I was being laid off and my coworker would be spared, and she thought she was being laid off and I would be spared. We were both wrong. For two days it felt like I was running on adrenaline. By Friday morning I just wanted to be alone. However that wasn’t possible as my child was under the weather and had to be kept home from daycare. I spent my last day of maternity leave earlier this year with a sick toddler and my first day of involuntary-temporary-retirement with a sick toddler.

I’ve felt a lot of anger. I don’t think the company handled the business very well over the last few years and it had been on a steady decline that no one seemed to be paying attention to. I am also angry about how my manager handled the last couple of months. I have worked previously at a company that went bankrupt. They went bankrupt a year after I had already left the company but the decline and layoffs started while I was there. The executives were very open and honest about what was happening and looking back now I have so much respect for how it was handled. I don’t have much respect for how my most recent employer handled this situation.

Once my access was cut off by Thursday evening I actually felt somewhat lighter. Even while on maternity leave I still had access to my emails and Slack and was able to keep tabs on what was going on at the company. It actually felt nice no longer having a slack or work email to access on my phone. Truthfully the last couple of months at the company have felt fairly icky. That may be a juvenile word to describe my feeling but it is the best I can come up with. It was clear my manager was withholding information from us and seeing people blindsided by lay-offs in November was just not an enjoyable situation. It wasn’t particular stressful, but “going” to work every morning felt icky.

I haven’t cried over the situation but this morning is the first time I felt sadness. I don’t really know why. I haven’t been particularly happy at this job since returning from maternity leave and aside from my laid off coworker, I didn’t have many friendships there. But there is still a weird heavy sadness hanging over me today.

More than anything it feels a bit surreal. I have been unemployed many times before due to traveling or moving, or just wanting a break, but it was always my decision. To be working hard one day (I literally missed dinner with my family on Tuesday in order to play catch up after the holiday break), and then suddenly be told one morning that your services are no longer needed is a wild feeling. You start thinking “what?! but who’s going to do my job?” But that’s not my problem to worry about. Even though I had a suspicious heads up, it is still jarring. Surreal is the best way to describe it. I spent 3 years with this company and felt that I made pretty major contributions. Truthfully as I sit here at my desk typing this on a Monday morning instead of working, I’m still in a bit of disbelief.

What’s Next?

I have no idea. And truthfully I get a little overwhelmed trying to figure it out. I have applied to quite a few jobs in the last couple of months, but haven’t been asked by any to interview. I’ve reviewed probably hundreds of job postings and have only seen one that has truly piqued my interest. I work in a somewhat unstable industry and I think I’d like to move to something with more stability. However the unstable industry tends to provide the best perks such as remote work and unlimited PTO, and is also where my experience lies. I was given 6 weeks of severance so I have a little time, but finding the right job will likely take longer than that. I want to take at least a couple of weeks just to process everything. I’ll continue to scour LinkedIn for jobs and applying to some but I really feel like I need some time with my thoughts right now.